“It’s all in your head,” are words that I have heard from most of my family. If that was true, then it would not be affecting me the way it has. The literacy aspect of my life has always been affected by my anxiety and depression. Examples being me having to give speeches, present to others, and school in general. In middle school, I participated a lot in 4-H. I would always try my best with everything because it was a fantastic way to get out into the public eye. I feel as if I have always been the type of person to want to be known. My name needs to be out there and if it is not then I feel as if I have wasted time and opportunity. I created an award-winning speech. I was given the chance to present it in front of the people of Coffee County. The night that I was supposed to present had arrived. I had my cards, and I was ready. Right before going up on the stage I realized, I had thought wrong. One of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had happened that night. I could not do it, all those eyes, I was so scared, but to this day I wish I did it. The funny thing about anxiety is how it works. One minute you are paranoid and scared to do something, so you end up not doing it. Then the next minute you wish you could go back in time to do said thing. There are more times than I can count on how that has happened to me. Another thing is all the what ifs. “What if I did it anyways?” and “What if I never let my anxiety get to me?” are some what ifs I have thought about so many situations. Lots of questions, yet little to no answers because that is how anxiety gets to me. Anxiety and depression continue to hold me back in many ways.
In elementary and middle school is when 4-H was a common thing. I remember in elementary school I would go all out making posters and little projects to present. If anybody that truly knows me, knows that I have always been a creative person. I realized from an early age that I am a hands-on, arts and crafts kind of girl. I always appreciated the idea of doing it yourself, making things out of other things. All that ties into literacy with me making stories and writing in general. The same happened in middle school, I loved the idea of having a reason to make or do something and share it. One time there was a competition about making an object that can be useful. I made an oven out of cardboard, foil, light bulbs, you name it. I brought all the ingredients to make brownies in class. When it was my chance to present, I felt my anxiety coming. My hands were shaking so bad I spilled a little bit of oil and was trying to keep going without anybody noticing. I got through it, but it was so awful at the time.
School in general is not the best thing ever. Dealing with all the work, the people, feelings, it all can drive a person crazy. I knew from the start I had anxiety. The constant worrying and overthinking. It would get so bad that I felt sick or felt the weight on my shoulders. Not to mention also stressing about stuff completely out of my control. Depression also runs its course, holding me back from my full academic potential. Highs and lows of wanting to do everything I need to, and not wanting to do anything at all. Some teachers shove work on you not realizing you have other classes, struggling life situations, or even feelings. Some teachers understand or try to help but there are always those few that do not. There is only so much a person can take, especially at our age. Most of us must deal with grand expectations from parents, guardians, and teachers. I started journalism in my sophomore year, the class itself was not too bad. I signed up for it for three main reasons. Being completely honest, I heard that it was an easy class. I had other reasons of course. The second being journalism would help my writing and writing ties into a lot of life. Not now but back then, I wanted to be a lawyer, and journalistic skills can help in any career. The last reason was how I loved writing. Notice how loved was used and not love, it got ruined for me. That on top of my other classes that require so much writing, I got burnt out. The people in journalism were okay, but obviously not the best since it is connected to my anxiety and depression. I would have writer’s block all the time, and it affected more than just my grades. I did not want to write or do anything related in any other classes. The back and forth of having a week of no motivation and then one day feeling unstoppable. It only made how I felt worse, and it continued into my junior year. Eventually it turned into not having any days of motivation. There is not going to be all my lore in this, but I have gone through so much in my life. I continue to go through stuff that nobody else should. That on top of everything else, it makes sense why everything got worse. Junior year was the year that kind of opened my eyes, and I found myself a little.
I thrive off words of affirmation because I would never get that from anyone else. That alone helped me continue to get through things. My friends would always tell me, “You are so strong I would have given up.” or “You got this, you have made it this far, you can continue to go.” With the amount of overthinking, I do; I could draft essays on top of essays. I am continuously thinking about anything and everything. However, then the depression kicks in and there suddenly is no point in writing or sharing my thoughts. To this day I am still working on it all. I do not give one hundred percent all the time, but that is because I do not have one hundred percent to give. I believe if you only have ten percent and you still give that ten percent, that is one hundred percent. That goes into all my schoolwork, my relationships, and my life.
Going through my senior year I have signed up for a lot more to handle and a lot has changed. Journalism is not a class period anymore even though it still is a class. It is during my homeroom period which has always been a time to take a breath or work on other work. Being one of two returning members and only senior, I am the editor in chief. Meaning I oversee editing every person’s article, every week. About 10 articles per week that need to be edited and uploaded on the school’s website. That with my other classes is more than likely going to burn me out. I cannot let that happen because I have one class that requires you to get stuff done. All classes do but this specific class is more important I would say. That one class, of course, being DE Comp. Never have I done a class that requires more out of someone, but it is for college, so I knew what I was getting into.
Things outside of school have always contributed to the worst of my anxiety and depression. Here lately it has gotten better and easier because I have been treated like an actual human being for the first time in my life. Being able to go out, do things, and being able to be myself more, has opened space for me to allow this stress. Nobody wants to be stressed out obviously but there is a balance between stress and freedom now for me. Back then it was only stress, depression, anxiety and wanting to give up. Now I can have moments but still be okay. I am not going to jinx myself, but I continue to hope that this is how it continues. My life is filled with trying to hope for the best but realizing if one good thing happens, a thousand terrible things happen right after. Out of everyone in my family, I have always been the person everyone expects so much out of. My parents were not exactly role models, but neither was anyone else. Since I was born everyone has put their dreams and expectations on me as if I did not get to choose my life. I always did amazing things in school, got awards, best grades, and teachers bragging on me. Ironically, that set me up for a life of stress and insanely lofty expectations. If anything were not graded as an a I would get called lazy, or other more harsh names. Keep in mind how young I was, no wonder why I struggled. Growing up it only got worse because every other kid around me knew that they did not have to live up to the expectations I had to deal with. They could do awful with grades or do other things that kids would get in trouble for but still know it is okay because every adult is focused on me. I never asked for any of it, and I would always regret trying so hard. On one hand when I did great and got a “Good job.” From a family member I would feel good about myself. However, harsher things happened more than affirmation. Way more. Imagine it yourself, from an early age to high school, having insane expectations and being treated like filth. Everyone goes through things differently, but you can imagine the toll it would take on a child and continue into their high school life. People treating you like garbage is more common than family, it is not okay, but it shows how impactful it is when it is from family. They are supposed to love and support you and not harm you. My literacy aspect of life has always been affected and ever changing.
School is complicated to explain. School is supposed to be important, and everyone should be grateful that they get the opportunity for an education. Do not get me wrong I am but it is not always sunshine and rainbows. I believe that it would be better if more people understood that there is life outside of school. School is not life. I have gotten a lot out of all these years; I feel as if there are some years wasted, yes but I have gotten things out of it. Besides education, I have earned friendships, life lessons, learned about myself and in general realized a lot about others. All these years another thing that has kept me going is some specific teachers. Teachers really do impact you, and you remember them for a long time if not forever. Bringing back to my earlier statement of there being some teachers that understand and help, I have been lucky to experience that. None will be named but there are a handful that have genuinely changed my life. They contributed to me still being here not giving up, and having hope there is a future for me. I cannot describe well enough how their words alone helped me. If I were having a panic attack, writer’s block, or struggling with work I could go to them.
Life and literacy go hand in hand. Life does affect everything and that is an obvious statement. Everyone’s handle of it though it is quite different. Being told “It’s all in your head.” and other harsher things from my family than dealing with my depression and anxiety on my own, literacy has struggled a lot. From an early age being held up high to even now I am still being held up. There have been plenty of times to use as an example on how anxiety or depression have held me back. That time I wrote that award-winning speech and had the chance to share it with the people of Coffee County. The time I made an oven, and my anxiety was trying to sabotage my presentation. 4-H was one of the many clubs that I attempted to go all out in. There were other times of presenting when anxiety took or almost took control. With school in general and the classes that I had and have required me to present or speak to peers. Every day I face having to speak to others, share thoughts, and overcome anxiety.
Anxiety and depression fight hard every day together to try to tear down what I have worked so hard to build up. I have had to learn how to go through depression while trying to not drown in it. While also not drowning in missing work, crazy expectations, and complicated feelings. My literacy aspect of my life has always been affected by my anxiety and depression. Life so many times has tried to pull me under, but I am still here writing and getting things done.
