Whether you start celebrating Christmas in October, like me, or wait until the day of, most everyone has seen the classic horror that is the Polar Express. 

From the songs like “Rockin’ On Top of the World” to the animation designs, everyone hates the Polar Express. The sole reason for watching it: nostalgia. Or maybe you’re just a fan of so-bad-they’re-good movies. 

I watched this movie recently, October 28 to be exact, due to a family ritual; and let me tell you, it was horrible.

Initially, the first thing you notice, without a doubt, is the uncomfortable CG animation. It has to do with the fact they almost look human, but we know they aren’t- this phenomenon being known as the uncanny valley. 

You can tell from either a glitch in their movements or the off-putting aesthetics- this ain’t it. The more realistic the robot or digital animation is the more uncomfortable we become watching it until we cannot tell the difference between real and manufactured anymore. 

Another case of the uncanny valley is Gollum from The Lord of the Rings franchise. Here the uncanny valley works- the character is supposed to be off-putting and creepy. As an audience, we get that feeling.

But in the kid’s Christmas movie we’re watching? I don’t think they intended for it to be this way.

Any way around it, we can’t deny that this style of animation was groundbreaking at the time since the first 3-D animations, whether you believe it was Toy Story or Veggietales, had come out ten years prior. 

The goal in many animated movies at the time was to make them more realistic- some not so much. Movies like Treasure Planet, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas all produced terribly at the box office partially due to their traditional 2-D style. 

Companies were practically forced out of the 2-D animation field leaving us with classics like Shrek, The Incredibles, and The Polar Express.

The overarching storyline of the film is, um, a complete boring mess. 

What kid wouldn’t want to risk their life on a train while being yelled at by a strange man to meet elves that hate you? Oh, and they’re all Tom Hanks. 

And actually, that sounds exciting to watch. 

Except it’s not. It’s all spectacle and no story. 

A run-away train, wolves on your tail, and getting lost in Santa’s factory could all be good plot points if they had done something for our characters. Rather, these are just events that happen and are forgotten without a second glance. There are no ramifications for their actions. We feel no emotion, either fear or relief. 

Because of that, the characters aren’t real- the only development being a kid goes from not believing in Santa to believing again. The story doesn’t change them. This might not be a problem except it’s the entire message for the audience with the tickets. 

The smart kid should learn instead of speak; when did he experience that? The girl should be a leader; the boy leads the entire run-time. The boy should believe; he sees Santa so he’s real. 

But how do you expect character development when they don’t even have names? 

To be fair, not everything about the movie is horrendous- the landscapes are beautiful. It gives off the Christmas feel. Apart from Santa’s Workshop (more of a factory if you ask me), there is not a sight in this movie that is off. 

That’s it. That’s all. The landscapes are good and the rest of the movie is terrible: from the off-putting CG animation or the underwhelming plot and characters. 

So whether you’re someone who always hated the movie and never knew why- now you do- or if you love the movie for whatever reason it may be, next time you watch this classic Christmas movie think about what I’ve said.