Genius mother figures out how to text with her thumbs


A student texts with her mother who has just learned how to text using her thumbs.

Lindsey Landrum, Humor Editor

Carolynn Rogers, the mother of high school junior Melody Rogers, has made a breakthrough. We are receiving reports that this small-town mom has unlocked the secret to typing with her thumbs.

“It was surprisingly efficient,” said Rogers, “and it took a lot of self-control. I think I’m getting the hang of it, though.”

Rogers was said to be relaxing with her family in their living room when she happened to glance over at her daughter who was texting rapidly with her two thumbs.

Rogers commented, “It always seemed sort of counter-intuitive to me. I mean, your pointer fingers are so good at pointing, I just figured they’d be good at other stuff too. I never realized how much my pointer fingers were slowing me down.”

We attempted an interview with Melody Rogers, but all we got was an embarrassed smile and a “no thank you.”

Rogers was even kind enough to give us a demonstration of her newly-advanced texting skills, and she had all of the grace and speed of a deer stuck in a bear trap.

Roger’s colleague, Mary Evans, later said, “Sometimes I would get a little worried. The “typing” bubbles would always show up on my screen, but she wouldn’t reply to my texts for at least thirty minutes. Now I’m concerned for a whole new reason. She won’t stop.”

We made the unfortunate mistake of giving Roger’s our editor’s phone number. She has received over sixty text messages in the last two hours, one of which was just her typing the lyrics to the national anthem, which has been confirmed as being the only song that she knows.

Rogers stated, or rather, texted, “I feel so free now. I can’t believe that I had been living in a cage and I didn’t even know it. I feel deeply sorry for all of the moms out there who haven’t found the true power within themselves to type at lightning speeds.”

Rogers was also kind enough to send us the links to some of her favorite recipes, as she also learned how to copy and paste on her smartphone. The recipes will be linked below.