This is what I would do if I were prince of America


Franph is basking in the sunlight like the model he is.

Kieran Hines, Humor Editor

Ban Candy Corn

I am sick and tired of all this disgusting candy corn. If I was the prince of America, I would ban candy corn and send all the candy corn makers to Guantanamo Bay.

Turn all the sidewalks into those conveyor belts at the airport

Who needs walking anyways? With this change, I could maybe cut walking commutes in half. I could even make them really fast. I would make it so I can get from my house to the ice cream store next to McDonald’s sitting on a chair. 

Make the United States mascot this little dude named Franph

Franph (pronounced Frank) is a little dude I won at a festival. I love him. I love America. Why not merge the two? Just look at him! He’s so cute, I would replace all the seals and boring stuff with Franph.

What my dad would do:

“I would trade all the politicians retirement funds for some full sized candy bars and maybe have a golden ticket in there”

Okay, dad. Way to make my fun article super boring and stuff. Ugh, he always ruins everything. Talking about politics and stuff, way to not get the memo.

What my mom would do:

“Well obviously I would make the Backstreet Boys a national treasure. They would have their own wing at the White House and when I entered a room, my anthem would be ‘Larger Than Life.’  Every school in America would adopt the BSB 101 course as a requirement for graduation and the final exam would be an interpretive dance movement to “Backstreet’s Back.” 

Woah there, mom. That was a two-sentence question, not a whole paragraph. The whole thing reeks of 80’s fan girl obsession, and I’m not quite too sure I’m okay with all that.

This has been a top three plus two list of what I would do if I was prince of America.