Hallmark presents “A Very Affidavit Christmas”


Hallmark is prepared to release its new masterpiece: “A Very Affidavit Christmas.”

Lindsey Landrum, Co-Editor-in-Chief and Humor Writer

Hallmark recently revealed a trailer for their newest holiday classic: “A Very Affidavit Christmas.” This film, unlike the traditional plot of past Hallmark movies, looks at Christmas through a different lens.

In this film, big city lawyer Kelsey bumps into her high school crush, William, who is visiting the city to sell reindeer or Christmas trees or something. Of course, they fall madly and deeply in love with each other.

Jack Horton, the lead writer and producer of the film, commented, “Sounds like a pretty traditional Hallmark movie, right? Wrong. So wrong. This one’s different. This one’s for real life.”

As the film continues, William makes a great effort to get Kelsey in the Christmas spirit, which she hasn’t felt since the generic tragic accident of her past.

However, Kelsey begins to explain to William the appeals of the corporate world, and after detailing her deep hatred for Christmas, William decides that there is no Christmas magic after all.

Horton stated, “Someone had to do it. I went to my hometown for Christmas two years ago, and instead of finding hot singles my age, all that was there was my crusty uncle Edmund and a fruitcake of questionable quality. Really, William got off easy.”

At the end of the movie, Kelsey and William go on to form a massive law firm, embezzling money from small European countries and destroying the financial futures of bright-eyed children.

Mark Henderson, a script editor for the film, mentions, “I’m honestly a little concerned for Jack. He seemed a slight bit too excited to write this one, but we’re all kind of afraid of what he would do if we said something.”

Horton remarks, “I can’t do it. I can’t just keep writing about Christmas magic. All of these 20-year-old women in our target demographic are out there deluding themselves, waiting for a tall, bearded man named Kevin to chop down a Christmas tree for them. Well, ladies, I’m afraid I’m just going to have to chop down your hopes instead.”

The movie is supposed to be released on Dec. 8, 2021.

Henderson notes, “It won’t. We really can’t let this go on air. We just needed him to have something. Instead of the movie release party, we plan on having an intervention with a side of eggnog. He likes eggnog.”

With that in mind, you can plan on keeping a look out for this new film. Or, actually, maybe not. Actually you might plan to do anything else.