Mystery sodas are inherently evil


Rachel J

The new “What the Fanta” flavor of soda is a disgusting shade of blue, deceptively tricking consumers into the false security of beloved varieties such as Blueberry and Blue Raspberry.

Kieran Hines, Humor Editor

Soft drink companies are lying to us, and we don’t even seem to care. Large soda corporations, such as the Coca-Cola Company and Pepsico, are deceiving consumers just as the serpent deceived Adam and Eve. “It’s okay to drink this soda! Don’t worry about what the taste is, just drink it,” they whisper into the ears of our precious youth. 

I, dear America, am referring to the intentionally mislabeled soft drinks such as Coke’s “What The Fanta”, “Dreamworld”, and Pepsi’s “Voodoo”. These so-called mystery pop flavors are a plague that must be eradicated.

Starting with the worst of the offenders, Fanta’s “What The Fanta” is a disturbing powder blue drink that tastes of buttercream icing and cucumbers. This horrible artificial mockery of delicious cake topping and unpickled-pickle is a marketing scheme dreamed up to rob suggestible children of their hard-earned allowances. The intriguing design of the bottle draws them in, promising a revelation of flavor, but instead leaves our poor children dazed and confused.

Next, we have Coke’s “Dreamworld”, which is a breath mint masquerading as a soft drink. Its labeling is vague, and covered in demonic, abstract shapes and symbols. It’s a horrible tonic which tastes of orange Tic Tacs. It is Coke’s follow-up to their previous horrible mystery flavor “Starlight” which tasted of clown feces and cotton candy.

Finally, we have Mountain Dew’s “Voodoo”; it is a stark white carbonated liquid that tastes like Popside Firecracker Popsicle. How dare this disgusting excuse for a soft drink attempt to be similarly flavored to a beloved American dessert such as the Rocket Popsicle. It’s a vague cherry flavor, almost chemical in nature. It burns the throat on the way down, and leaves the stomach upset and volatile.

All in all, these “Mystery Flavors” are as evil and un-American as soft drinks come, poisoning the minds and bodies of our young, impressionable youth. “What The Fanta” is disgusting and deceptive, “Dreamworld” is satanic and vague, and “Voodoo” is a shameful mockery of a beloved American independence dessert.